If you are reading this then you know: I have Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Cancer. I have cancer.
I am in it now. For good or bad. With all of the uncertainties and "what if''s" and tears and fears, it is still here, with me, and we are both looking for a fight.
Today was my second round of chemotherapy. I have been debating for a while whether or not I wanted to write/chronicle the events that have transpired and that will occur through this. Honestly, with everything that has been going through my mind these last few weeks writing has made the most sense and seemed the most simplistic.
Fear has stopped me.
There's so much to say. I would have to go back and write about so much before this. Who cares? Can I really do this and keep going when it gets worse? Do I want to talk about this?
Yes, I do. This is probably more for me than for anyone else. But that's okay. I want to talk about it. I want to share the voice and the experience. I want you to know so you are okay and understand. I want to share because I want to be okay and understand.
So here it is, belated and back-logged, but from the beginning...
Four Months Ago.
A cough. It all began with a simple cough.
What an inconvenience. We were preparing to take on Castleberry High School. Ranchview was 3-1 and on a roll. It was the schools best start in five years and it showed in practice. The players and coaches moved a bit quicker, with more excitement and pep than I had ever seen in my time with the school. We all wanted to win.
Wednesday, September 25th I started coughing at practice. The more I yelled, cough. The more I ran, cough. The more excited I became, cough.
A cough is a funny thing. It could be and mean so many things or it could just be a cough.
I hate going to the doctor. It was just a cough.
Monday, October 7th
I had to leave school early. I had a fever. Apparently, you aren't supposed to be around children when your fever is above 100.
My primary doctor listened to my complaints: fever and a cough. I was given a Z-Pak (an antibiotic) and cough pills. I would be back Wednesday.
Wednesday I felt worse. I now had a fever of 102, chills that turned to hot flashes and sweating, and a cough. I was given a different antibiotic (two days later) and told to get X-Rays for my chest.
The X-Rays were negative. I must have bronchitis. "Take the pills. They will check you out up front. You have a copay of $30."
Thursday, October 17th we played the eventual 3A state champion Argyle Eagles. They are extremely good. Friday the 18th I went to a friends wedding. Saturday the 19th I was sick again.
Fever, chills, sweats, fatigue, cough, and now I had lost ten pounds. This round was pretty bad. It was our bye week and I had to use some of it to recoup. I had to use a few days the next week to do the same. I just could not shake it.
Let's speed it up a bit. I visited the doctor again November 14th and then again November 23rd. Something was wrong and it happened every other week, like clockwork.
No one listened. Everyone treated for the basics. They just threw antibiotics at it. And steroids. I actually liked the steroid shots. They seemed to be the only thing that made me feel better. Which makes sense now.
God, there is so much I am leaving out. The task of chronicling it all seems so enormous and yet so... just... at times of no significance, that it's difficult to remember it all. I have the dates. I know how I felt. And what I do know and remember is that it sucked. It was awful and frustrating and seemed like it would never end.
Nine weeks had past and I had been sick for most of it. In a cycle; chills, fever, sweats, cough, fatigue. Repeat in less than a week. Give hope, get sick.
The frustration was beginning to effect others as well.
Ashley
My amazing wife Ashley is a lot of things. She is, of course, an amazing wife, an even better mother, a coach's wife (as difficult as that is in itself), and about a million other things. She definitely wears a lot of hats.
Ashley and I married Saturday, July 17th 2010. This year will be our four year anniversary. She is exactly what I want and need in a partner. She is beautiful and challenging. She is stubborn and caring. She is a pain in the butt and will not put up with any of my shenanigans.
In March of 2011 we found out that we were going to be parents. Nothing can prepare you for that moment. Nothing can prepare you for when your wife tells you that "they see two heads".
Oh my god. I'm going to be a father, of twins, and they're boys.
Every man wants a boy. It must be some caveman ego thing. Whatever. I get two.
We met Clay Austin and Colt Jackson Cogswell Saturday, October 29th 2011.
Words cannot describe how I feel when I think about them.
They are so beautiful. So smart. They are the best thing I will ever do in my life.
As I write, the tears help me realize that this is the most difficult time I have had so far during this endeavor.
I love them more than they will ever know.
The boys are two now. Ashley has had a lot to do with who they are and the boys they are becoming. She is such a great mother. Every time I look at them I can see what an amazing job she has done with them. I try, but I am not there.
As a coach we have extremely long days and seemingly longer weeks. During this past season there would be times that I would not see my boys for 2-4 days at a time. I would already be at work before they woke up and I wouldn't be home until long after they had gone to sleep. This isn't an easy way to live or raise two toddlers, but she did.
Now, I am sick with three jobs. I am a teacher, then I coach, then I get home and I become daddy again. I have become quite ineffective at my third job. The fatigue at this point is beginning to effect my parenting. I am just so tired and don't know why. Ashley is having to pick up my slack. She's having to do more. She doesn't understand why I am so tired every night, everyday. I feel terrible, now in more ways than one.
She is amazing. She has done... no... is doing such an amazing job with my boys. I cannot thank her enough. I love them all so much.
What is wrong with me?
I am in it now. For good or bad. With all of the uncertainties and "what if''s" and tears and fears, it is still here, with me, and we are both looking for a fight.
Today was my second round of chemotherapy. I have been debating for a while whether or not I wanted to write/chronicle the events that have transpired and that will occur through this. Honestly, with everything that has been going through my mind these last few weeks writing has made the most sense and seemed the most simplistic.
Fear has stopped me.
There's so much to say. I would have to go back and write about so much before this. Who cares? Can I really do this and keep going when it gets worse? Do I want to talk about this?
Yes, I do. This is probably more for me than for anyone else. But that's okay. I want to talk about it. I want to share the voice and the experience. I want you to know so you are okay and understand. I want to share because I want to be okay and understand.
So here it is, belated and back-logged, but from the beginning...
Four Months Ago.
A cough. It all began with a simple cough.
What an inconvenience. We were preparing to take on Castleberry High School. Ranchview was 3-1 and on a roll. It was the schools best start in five years and it showed in practice. The players and coaches moved a bit quicker, with more excitement and pep than I had ever seen in my time with the school. We all wanted to win.
Wednesday, September 25th I started coughing at practice. The more I yelled, cough. The more I ran, cough. The more excited I became, cough.
A cough is a funny thing. It could be and mean so many things or it could just be a cough.
I hate going to the doctor. It was just a cough.
Monday, October 7th
I had to leave school early. I had a fever. Apparently, you aren't supposed to be around children when your fever is above 100.
My primary doctor listened to my complaints: fever and a cough. I was given a Z-Pak (an antibiotic) and cough pills. I would be back Wednesday.
Wednesday I felt worse. I now had a fever of 102, chills that turned to hot flashes and sweating, and a cough. I was given a different antibiotic (two days later) and told to get X-Rays for my chest.
The X-Rays were negative. I must have bronchitis. "Take the pills. They will check you out up front. You have a copay of $30."
Thursday, October 17th we played the eventual 3A state champion Argyle Eagles. They are extremely good. Friday the 18th I went to a friends wedding. Saturday the 19th I was sick again.
Fever, chills, sweats, fatigue, cough, and now I had lost ten pounds. This round was pretty bad. It was our bye week and I had to use some of it to recoup. I had to use a few days the next week to do the same. I just could not shake it.
Let's speed it up a bit. I visited the doctor again November 14th and then again November 23rd. Something was wrong and it happened every other week, like clockwork.
No one listened. Everyone treated for the basics. They just threw antibiotics at it. And steroids. I actually liked the steroid shots. They seemed to be the only thing that made me feel better. Which makes sense now.
God, there is so much I am leaving out. The task of chronicling it all seems so enormous and yet so... just... at times of no significance, that it's difficult to remember it all. I have the dates. I know how I felt. And what I do know and remember is that it sucked. It was awful and frustrating and seemed like it would never end.
Nine weeks had past and I had been sick for most of it. In a cycle; chills, fever, sweats, cough, fatigue. Repeat in less than a week. Give hope, get sick.
The frustration was beginning to effect others as well.
Ashley
My amazing wife Ashley is a lot of things. She is, of course, an amazing wife, an even better mother, a coach's wife (as difficult as that is in itself), and about a million other things. She definitely wears a lot of hats.
Ashley and I married Saturday, July 17th 2010. This year will be our four year anniversary. She is exactly what I want and need in a partner. She is beautiful and challenging. She is stubborn and caring. She is a pain in the butt and will not put up with any of my shenanigans.
In March of 2011 we found out that we were going to be parents. Nothing can prepare you for that moment. Nothing can prepare you for when your wife tells you that "they see two heads".
Oh my god. I'm going to be a father, of twins, and they're boys.
Every man wants a boy. It must be some caveman ego thing. Whatever. I get two.
We met Clay Austin and Colt Jackson Cogswell Saturday, October 29th 2011.
Words cannot describe how I feel when I think about them.
They are so beautiful. So smart. They are the best thing I will ever do in my life.
As I write, the tears help me realize that this is the most difficult time I have had so far during this endeavor.
I love them more than they will ever know.
The boys are two now. Ashley has had a lot to do with who they are and the boys they are becoming. She is such a great mother. Every time I look at them I can see what an amazing job she has done with them. I try, but I am not there.
As a coach we have extremely long days and seemingly longer weeks. During this past season there would be times that I would not see my boys for 2-4 days at a time. I would already be at work before they woke up and I wouldn't be home until long after they had gone to sleep. This isn't an easy way to live or raise two toddlers, but she did.
Now, I am sick with three jobs. I am a teacher, then I coach, then I get home and I become daddy again. I have become quite ineffective at my third job. The fatigue at this point is beginning to effect my parenting. I am just so tired and don't know why. Ashley is having to pick up my slack. She's having to do more. She doesn't understand why I am so tired every night, everyday. I feel terrible, now in more ways than one.
She is amazing. She has done... no... is doing such an amazing job with my boys. I cannot thank her enough. I love them all so much.
What is wrong with me?
You Kepp writing and I will keep reading.
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